Hell is empty and all the devils are here
by Lil2393
Summary: Post. 5x13 spec. Something happened the first few months that Clarke was alone on earth after Praimfaya- something that's slowly eating her alive. When Bellamy goes to her to talk about what happened between them, more secrets are revealed. WARNING: This story contains discussions about suicidal thoughts that could be "trigger" material.


_Note: I left the Echo thing out on purpose— so let's all pretend she isn't in the picture._

 _Good? Good._

 _:)_

* * *

They were actually safe.

They were aboard The Eligius III, flying through deep space towards a new planet. A new home. A place to start over.

Madi was now officially the Commander, and people followed her. Octavia accepted the situation and agreed to help Madi lead their people. The little girl she found scared and alone into the forest six years before wasn't a little girl anymore. She was a woman. And she didn't need her anymore– or at least not as much as she used to.

Her mother was recovering from everything– with Kane by her side. She knew they had a lot to talk about.

Clarke was sitting by the windows of her chamber, looking into the vastity of the space. She exhaled, closing her eyes for a moment.

 _Silence._

There used to be so much silence around her. She wanted peace– she needed it. After so many years of war and uncertainty and suffering– she craved a moment to just breathe.

The automatic door of her chamber opened, letting someone inside. She had her back to the door, but she knew he would eventually come. They needed to talk– explain things.

And yet, that was the last thing she wanted to do.

He stood silent for a long moment before she sensed him moving behind her.

"Clarke?"

Her breath caught in her throat at the sound of his voice. Before she could respond, Bellamy entered her line of vision. He stood there with his hands in pockets, looking uncertain.

"Can I sit?" He eyed the spot beside her.

She simply nodded. Delaying the inevitable was futile.

He took the seat beside her, careful not to touch her. _Yeah_ – because they were like that now.

After what went down with Madi and the flame, after the choices they both made.

They ruined _everything_.

"We need to talk Clarke." His voice was soft, but he sounded defeated, tired.

"I know." They needed to clear the air between them. Talk about the future. Ease the burden they both had on their shoulders.

He leaned his elbows on his knees, dropping his head.

"What I did– I need to apologize." She knew it was true. He needed to apologize to her because he was a good person.

"Bellamy–"

"Clarke– _Please_. Just, let me say it."

She closed her eyes, nodding her head.

He passed a hand through his black hair. "I'm sorry. What I did was wrong on so many levels– and dangerous. I should've talked to you and we would've found another way– together."

The last word stang a little.

She literally flinched, because that word meant everything to her. It was the essence of their relationship, their friendship, their– _something_. And he used it against her. He used her faith and trust in him against her– and she resented him a little for that.

Like always in their relationship, he saw the emotions crossing her eyes and his head dropped again.

"I used Madi to get what I wanted."

He was ashamed.

She lowered her eyes too. "You promised you would protect her. You were the only person I trusted with her life. With my life." She did her best not to sound harsh or mean. Because _really–_ she was beyond being angry at him.

"I know." He took a breath. "Madi said you would never forgive me for this." And to her surprise, she realized that the thought scared him deeply.

She turned her head toward space. "We all did things. I understand that more than anyone else."

When his hand took hers, she almost jumped from her chair. His touch was soft and warm and everything Clarke missed.

"Clarke–"

She shook her head again. "I'm not innocent in all of this, I know that. I was so angry, I left you to die–" And she was ashamed too. Because no matter what he said or what others thought, he was her family. She _loved_ him– in more than one way.

He tighten the grip on her hand. "I don't blame you for that. We made terrible mistakes, both of us. But I'm tired of looking back. I want to look foward– of what our lives are going to be on that planet. And I want you to tell me that we're okay. Because I can't do anything if I'm not sure we're fine."

And _wow_ — she was shaking now. Because at that moment the conversation turned ten times more difficult.

She stood, breaking the contact with his skin, coming face to face with the window. Her palm pressed against the cold glass. She was just a few centimeters away from space. She wanted to break that glass and float away.

 _Just say it._

"I'm not going to stay, Bellamy."

 _There._

It took a moment before he stood as well, closing the gap between them.

"What?"

She took a deep breath, diverting her eyes toward the pitch black space.

"When the ship arrives on the planet, I'm not going to stay." She ignored the way he flinched beside her. "They're putting together a team to go and find others Eligius ships."

Which meant months, even years in space– away from each other.

The moment the information sank in his mind- the implications of what she said clear in him, his shoulders became steel rigid and he closed his fists.

"Clarke– _no_. You can't–"

"I know what I'm doing. It isn't an irrational decision, Bellamy. I thought about it– the search team needs a doctor–"

He took a step toward her. Anger crossing his features. "We also need a doctor– _your people_ need–"

"You'll have my mum– she's going to stay–"

He didn't let her finish.

"Clarke– _don't_. Y-You can't do this– You can't leave–"

She shook her head without meeting his gaze.

"I will be back– eventually." It was a pitiful response and she knew it.

"You'll be gone for– _years_. You can't leave Madi!" His voice raised of an octave and she closed her eyes again. She expected anger after all.

"Madi– doesn't need me like before. If there's one thing that I've learned in these past few months, is that I'm not rational when it comes to her safety. She's the Commander now— there's no war, no contender. There's only peace. Where you're heading, there is _peace_. Food and water and– there is a place where humanity can keep going forward."

She finally met his gaze. "There's everything I ever wanted for her– and for all of you."

He studied her for a moment. "And what about you?" _That_ was a very good question. He was trying to understand her. She knew he was making an effort to be rational with her.

She turned away from him and back to look at the window.

"I don't know what I want anymore." She spoke in a whisper, and for a moment she thought he didn't hear her.

But the silence didn't prepare her for his next words.

"And what about _me_?" He sounded so defeated and so _so_ sad, her heart almost broke in her chest.

Her hand against the glass closed into a fist.

"You don't need me, Bellamy. You survived six years in space without me."

She remembered the moment she saw the ship took off the ground, leaving her on earth. The way her heart clenched in her chest, hoping that they would make it.

And when the wave of radiation hit– she was _ready_. She was ready to call it quits. It was time. She had fought enough and she was tired.

"I should have died six years ago." The words came out of her mouth in a pained whisper.

Bellamy's breath caught in his throat. "Clarke–"

She never talked about those first few months alone on earth- with anyone. Not even Madi.

But she needed to say it now.

She took a deep breath. "When the wave hit, I felt everything. There was so much pain– my skin burned from the inside and I could feel _everything_."

She could feel the blood turning into lava, running through her veins.

"My all body was on fire and I couldn't do anything– until finally, I _died_. Or at least, I thought I was dead. I should have been dead. Instead, I survived. I woke up– but the pain never stopped. It took me weeks to regain the ability to just walk. Radiations are just– a _bitch_. When I was finally able to move, I thought I would go to the bunker and just, live there with my mum, I guess."

A bitter sound escaped her throat. "It became clear really quickly that I couldn't do it. There was no way in."

Her voice broke and a few tears finally leaked down her cheeks. "I was so close–"

She closed her eyes. "– so close to seeing my mother again. To be with at least one part of my family for the next five years-" She shook her head a little. "When I finally accepted the facts, I tried to find some sort of life, anything really, that would allow me to survive. But everything was just– dead."

Like they were never there.

"Finally, after a few months of cheating death, I found myself in the middle of the desert– without water."

She placed both of her hands on the glass, staring out into the galaxies.

"I knew it the moment I set foot on that desert that I was at my finish line. I don't know for how long I walked, but at some point, I passed out. And when I opened my eyes again, it was from the pain. A bird was feeding himself with my arm."

Bellamy flinched beside her. "Stop–"

Her fingers traveled to the scarred flesh on her right forearm. She could sense his eyes following the gesture.

"I crawled– followed the bird, but there was only more desert."

She closed her hands together, the air between them tense.

"I never felt more _alone_. I screamed. I cursed–- and I _cried_." A few more tears ran down her cheeks. "I had lost everything– everyone I cared about. I had nothing left–"

"There was only one thing left for me to do-" Her hand traveled to the empty pocket of her jeans. "I– I took the gun–"

Bellamy closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't wanna hear this–" His voice broke.

She couldn't hear him anymore. She was back there– back in the desert. She could feel the hotness of the sun on her skin, preventing her from breathing. Looking ahead, she couldn't see space, only sand.

Her fingers flexed, taking the form of an imaginary gun.

"I felt so much pain– so much _loss_. it was overwhelming and I wanted the pain to stop– I had to stop it. So I pointed the gun at my temple."

Her two fingers touched the skin of her head.

"And I closed my eyes–"

 _Boom._

"Clarke!"

Her eyes jerked open when a pair of strong hands took her by her shoulders, making her turn. She raised her eyes, only to find Bellamy staring down at her with tears running down his cheeks.

"But I didn't die. Life just clunged to me like a disease. I should've died– I wasn't supposed to survive all of this. Maybe–maybe things would've been different–"

He shook his head, and for the first time since she knew him, she saw heartbreak reflecting in his eyes.

"I-I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault-"

"I left you there– I should have waited longer."

She shook her head.

"I never blamed you, Bellamy. You did the right thing, you saved Raven, Emori, Murphy– Echo. You saved all of them– I'm so proud of you all."

He moved his hands down her arms.

"Clarke–"

"You asked me how I did it– how I survived alone. And I told you that I wasn't alone–"

He nodded a little. "Madi–"

"No– I mean, yes, eventually I found Madi. But before– and even after. I had _you_ , Bellamy."

The look of surprise made her knees buckle under her.

"What?" His voice was a whisper.

"I called you– every single day on that piece of shit radio I recovered from the Rover. _2.199 calls_. Every single day that I was alone and even after I found Madi, I talked to you. You never answered, obviously. I didn't even know if you were alive– if you had made it. Sometimes it felt like I was talking to a ghost. But I couldn't stop. It helped. It kept me sane– talking to you, it kept me from losing my mind, Bellamy."

She wished she could take a picture of his face at that moment. He was stunned, and emotions were crossing on his face.

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

She dropped her head to look down. "I'm telling you now. I need you to understand–"

He took another step toward her, just a few centimeters separating them. His hands traveled from her shoulders to her arms, making her shivers.

"I do–"

"No– Bellamy, you don't. You said you need me but the truth is – that I need you more than you need me. I always needed you more."

She could see his chest expand at her words.

She knew she was saying too much. She was opening doors that were supposed to remain closed.

He shut his eyes closed. "Clarke–"

"I'm not the same girl you knew six years ago."

"I'm not the same either–"

She shook her head. "I'm damaged goods, Bellamy. "

He flinched at her words. _"Don't-"_

"Madi kept me alive when I found her, but the reality is that something is broken inside of me. I gave up on life- a long time ago. This is what I made of myself- but that's not who I wanted to be. I can't go on like this- I need time. I can't stay– I just can't. I'm sorry."

She moved to escape his grip, but he didn't let her go. Quite the opposite. The air between them changed and her heart started beating faster. She dropped her face down, incapable of looking into his eyes. Their foreheads almost touching. When he spoke, his voice was like a feather against her skin.

"I know it's hard– and I know that you want to change. I-I can change with you."

She started trembling. "I don't belong here anymore- There's nothing for me on that planet, Bellamy."

"You _know_ that's not true."

After what seemed to be years, their foreheads finally touched.

"You'll have _me_."

She shook her head against his. "Bellamy– _don't_."

"Why not? We've been ignoring– _this_ , long enough. I'm done."

"Bellamy–" Her voice broke a little.

"You said that I survived six years fine without you– and that's true. I survived well in space thinking you were dead."

She almost flinched at his words, until his hand cupped her cheek. She raised her eyes to his.

"But I never started living, Clarke. I'm tired of just survive, I want to live. And the thing is– I can't live in a world without you in it."

Her heart skipped a beat in her chest.

"If you run now- you'll never stop. You'll never find peace."

He caressed the skin under her eyes, making her shiver.

"Please, _stay_. I know that we have a lot to talk about–- things to figure it out, but we'll do it together. Just- _Stay_."

He was pleading. She looked into his eyes for a long moment–-

"I-I'll think about it."

He let go of the breath he was holding. Smiling, he kissed her forehead for a long moment.

"I can wait."

Maybe she had something to look forward to.


End file.
